Just finished watching Taylor Lautner’s solo debut “Abduction”,
and can safely say: not impressed.
There are several scenes which made me go WTF?! For starters, when the
Serbian black ops guy hacks into Nathan’s webcam, the little light next to the
webcam clearly turns on. Wouldn't you notice if you were staring at the screen
that your f***ing webcam was suddenly on? I guess maybe Taylor was too busy staring at his
own reflection on his screen. Can’t blame him.
At one point Nathan’s love interest, Karen (who by the way
is rocking two massive caterpillars on her forehead for eyebrows - Scouse brow much?) has duct-tape
over her mouth and is firmly tied with her arms above her head to a metal pole on a
table or something, aboard a long-distance train headed towards Nebraska. She knocks a glass onto the floor
by squirming around like a little bitch, and the glass smashes. She then is seen struggling to get the
glass even though both her hands are tied – so it’s basically physically
impossible for her to reach the glass and cut herself free. Even if she did
reach it with her feet, could she really pick it up and bend her legs to such
an extent as to cut the rope? You’d think not. But the scene flicks and then
miraculously she turns up in the next room to meet her beau, free as a bird. What a talent!
Must be the modern Houdini. And as usual, the pretty girl gets threatened to be shot or have her fingers cut off by the evil Serbian, but nooooo
that never happens! She escapes without the slightest bruise or scratch, even after being punched in the face by a 250 pound Serbian gangster. Seems legit.
That’s not the only time Karen pisses me off. In one scene,
when they’re on the flee from the CIA and the evil Russians, she decides to
pick up the phone and call her uncle. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! Does she not know
what phone tapping is? Does she not remember they're being hunted? My god.
The CIA agents are no better. When they eventually find the
runaways, Nathan and Karen, along the road, instead of taking them some place
undercover, like an abandoned warehouse or some shit, they take them to a
diner, and sit them down RIGHT by the f***ing window, which is bloody huge and
you can see in to it from a mile away. So no doubt the baddies find them
easily and shoot all their agents dead. Then as Nathan is driving away from the scene in the car, the main CIA
dude aims the gun at Nathan’s car. Wait what?! I thought you wanted him alive,
you moron!
Taylor’s acting is not great either. When he wakes up “crying”
you can tell he's had fake tears dropped into his eyes to do the job for him. Nobody has that much liquid flowing from their eyes unless they have conjunctivitis. He’s
good in the fighting scenes, sure, and kudos for being able to do all that ninja fly-kicking shit, but for anything which requires emotions?
Nah. Sorry. Take my advice Taylor, you are filthy rich and need never work again. So now Twilight's over, just quit and save yourself the embarrassment.
Rating: 3/10
(the fight scenes were mildly entertaining, as were Lautner's biceps)
I highly recommend you do not waste your time with this film. Unless, like me, you're stuck in bed with the flu and have nothing better to do with your life.
(Fun fact: Lautner actually won an award for "Worst Actor" for this film. So it's not just my fluish delirium that is causing me to be bitter).
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